pause

This is where I feel at home. Right here, away from the rest of the world with coffee in hand and words on my mind. It has been a while since I’ve been able to sit and be still. There is always something more to do, someone to call, something to check off my on-going to-do list that never seems to end.

I’ve realized it’s okay to just stop sometimes. I’m not necessarily saying you should skip work on Monday because you could use a break or that you shouldn’t do your assignment because you don’t feel like it, thats not the kind of stop I have in mind.

This stop is different. Consider it more of a pause, a step back to look at the world around you. Life moves faster than we can keep up with most of the time. Darling, look around you.

Last weekend, I went the homecoming game at the high school I went to. My brothers go to the high school and I happened to be in town that weekend. Standing on the football field after the game to take pictures for them, I laughed out loud at how crazy life is. It seems like yesterday that I was dressed up in my sparkly drill team uniform doing high kicks on that exact same field, eyes wide and heart open, dreaming of life after my red lipstick dancing days. What I would be when I grew up, the kind of person I would become, where God would lead my footsteps.

And as I stood there, I began to think about life since then. Going off to college as a freshman, not knowing a lot about the world outside of my hometown except that it held a lot of unknowns. Completely oblivious to the fact that these next four years would shape who I would become someday. I had no idea the people that I would meet, the memories I would make, the struggles I would face.

The pain of death to someone I admired, my grandpa and my hero, and now I miss his laugh everyday. There was the kind of love that swept me off my feet and the following heartbreak that scattered my heart into a million pieces, wondering how to make sense of that part of myself again. I walked through the darkness of depression and experienced the Lord’s power to heal. I felt the brokenness of sin in my life and received grace time and time again that I didn’t deserve. I’ve seen the constant sacrifice of friendship. The people who are there, no matter what. I fell deeply and madly in love with my Savior. I’ve experienced freedom and joy that I didn’t know was possible. I’ve learned to stop planning out my life. Somehow it always works out, even if it wasn’t my plan. To pray on my knees and open my hands. To let go of control.

One thing in my life stayed the same. I never walked through anything alone.

Pause.

Tears fill my eyes as I reflect on God’s faithfulness and sovereignty. His deep love that I still can’t comprehend. The way He chases after my soul and reminds me that He is enough.

As I stood on the field, a senior in college, four years older than when I last stood on that field. Different perspective, same wide eyed and open hearted girl. Uncharted waters in the year ahead.

I often wonder what will happen in the next four years. If so much happened in the last four years, I can’t imagine what will happen in the next. But there is no reason to fear.

Dear friend, when you take a step back and look around, you will see it too. How all the tiny bits and pieces of your life, while they may not make sense at the time or even now, fit together to make a beautiful piece of art.

What once felt like shattered glass can eventually feel like the sun shining through colorful, radiant windows in a chapel. The silver lining amongst the dark clouds.

You can press play again in a moment, but for now, pause. Let this truth sink in, remember what the Lord has done in your life up until now. What He is doing now, the things you are thankful for and the things you don’t understand.

Until we reach the place we were created to be with the One who created us, my friend, remember that life is beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful that is always perfect and put together, the messy, shambly kind of beautiful. The kind that brings us to our knees and then reminds us who we are. How small we are, how big our God is.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

 

 

 

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